Chain of Events
by Unknown-Bliss
Summary: My entry for the Bad Fic contest. "It all started with the drugs..."


**This is my entry for the Bad Fic contest. I've never entered a contest before, so I'm doing it now. Why? BECAUSE I CAN. And because I haven't written anything in forever.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal minds, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Metamorphosis, Watchmen, The Imagination Movers, Lord of the Rings, or anything else included in this fic. If I offend anyone, I didn't mean it, I swear! Also… Oh, God! I'm soooooo sorry! But bear with me, please!**

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It all started with the drugs.

"Are those drugs?" JJ asked Morgan. She and Emily had walked up to the man, curious as to why he was huddled in the corner.

"Yes," whispered Morgan shakily.

"Property of Kevin Lynch…" Emily said, reading the tag on the four pound bag of cocaine that said 'Property of Kevin Lynch.'

"Kevin's a junkie?" JJ wondered aloud.

"No, no, it can't be!" Morgan cried out suddenly.

"Morgan! What's the matter?!" Emily shouted, trying to match Morgan's volume.

"I could never arrest my darling Penelope's boyfriend!" Morgan sobbed, wracked with guilt.

"You have to," the women said in unison, they themselves close to tears.

"It's my du-" Morgan was cut off by a loud shriek.

"AAAAaaaaaaAAAAAhhhhhHHHHAAAAAHHHhhhhAAhhhhAaaaaaaaaHHHHGGGGGGRrrrrrlllllfffFRRRRRAAAgggllLLEeleleeeeeeEEEEeEE!!!!!!!!"

"It came from the bathroom!" JJ cried.

"It sounded like Reid!" Emily gasped.

"We have to help him!" Morgan said, clenching his fist. "Kevin can wait!"

The three agents, the only ones in the whole bullpen who seemed to hear the scream, ran off in the direction of the bathroom, ready to help the youngest member of the team.

Morgan kicked open the door to the men's restroom, and what the agents saw shocked them.

"Ohmigod!" JJ squealed.

"Ruh-Reid?" Emily stuttered.

"Help me guys!" Reid's voice squeaked. On the floor, on its back, where they expected Reid to be, was a giant cockroach with Reid's voice. The bug was flailing its spindly legs around wildly, all while saying, in Reid's voice, "I've been turned into a Periplaneta americana, more commonly known as the American cockroach! Help!"

The other three were speechless, staring wide-eyed at there metamorphosised colleague. Slowly, they backed out of the restroom, and Morgan shut the door, locking it.

"Uh, that didn't happen?" JJ suggested. The other two nodded in agreement.

"Oh no, Kevin!" Morgan shouted with realization. "He could be getting away as we speak! We absolutely must find him! Will you help me with my quest?"

"We're in!" the girls chimed.

Emily and JJ primped whilst Morgan donned SWAT gear and a paintball gun.

"Let's go Lynching," he growled. "But first, it's time for… BRAINSTORMING!"

"Agreed," Emily agreed.

JJ was deep in thought. "If I were Kevin, where would I be?"

"With Garcia!" Morgan realized. There were two nods of approval, and the agents ran off towards Garcia's computer room. One thought was running through each of their heads: "Man, we're running a lot today!"

When they arrived at Garcia's domain, Morgan knocked tentatively on her door, wary of the wispy dry ice smoke and scents of witchcraft wafting from under it.

"Go away!" the technical analysts' voice boomed from inside, sounds of hasty covering-up being heard by all.

"Garcia, what are you doing?" Morgan called, worried. "We're coming in!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Garcia roared as the others burst into her dominion.

They froze. Garcia was wearing a sorceress outfit. Her screens were spattered with random, not-so-good websites and windows. Morgan gaped at one of the screens.

"Lord of the Rings: the Two- Holy! Is that Lord of the Rings porn?!" he screeched.

"Yes!" Garcia retorted. "Legolas _deserves_ to be perversely lusted after!"

"B-but… Eeewwww!" Some of Morgan died inside. "Wait, what are you doing now? With that smoke machine?" He pointed to the clunking machine, belching out witchcraft smelling fog.

"I was setting the mood," Garcia 'hmph'ed. JJ and Emily were silent, eyes still focused on the Lord of the Rings screen. It almost seemed like Emily was drooling.

"The mood?"

"Yes. But definitely not the mood for online black market trading!" Garcia added hastily, jumping in front of one of the screens.

Morgan frowned. "Let me see, Garcia."

"Never!" Morgan pushed her to the side, surprised by the obvious online black market trade account Garcia obviously had. Some more of Morgan died. He hung his head, his broad shoulders shaking. He grabbed Garcia's wrist tight.

"Uh, that's my wrist!" Garcia squealed.

"I'm sorry, Penelope…" Garcia couldn't see Morgan's face through his SWAT helmet. "I'm going to have to arrest you…"

"What? No! You can't! I'm your baby girl! I'm your darling!"

Morgan pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "I'm sorry. I have to."

A few moments later, Morgan was pushing Garcia out the room, both with tears streaming down their faces. As they exited, they bumped into JJ and Emily, snapping them out of their porn-filled reveries. The girls hurried to catch up to Morgan.

Back in the bullpen, Hotch was watching. He was perched on the railing, overlooking the heathens bustling below him. For some reason, he'd taken off his shirt (leaving on everything else) and splattered it with black ink. He tied it around his head and began glaring at the miserable creatures.

"RorchHotch's Journal,

May 2, 2009" he muttered coldly.

"Cockroach in bathroom today. Possibly Reid." He went on, whispering to himself for several minutes.

"The world will look up at me and shout-" Hotch was cut off by a struggling Garcia being pushed in the bullpen by a SWATish Morgan and followed by JJ and Emily.

"SAVE ME!" Garcia cried, noticing Hotch.

Hotch continued, "And I'll whisper… No."

Garcia narrowed her eyes at her boss, as if saying 'I'll get you, RorchHotch, just you wait!'

Morgan and Garcia were almost to the elevator when a black-clad man zoomed past to the window. He looked back, grinning at the four. It was Kevin.

"So long, suckers!" he cackled. The bag of drugs was hanging from his back along with four stakes, a crossbow, and a cross. "I'm off to partake in these drugs, hunt vampires, and potentially hook up with a really cute blonde. Just like I dreamed in high school! Sorry babe," he said to Garcia. "Have fun in the slammer!" And with that, Kevin Lynch dove out of the window. A later news story involving Kevin, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and a dead bat, told the team that Kevin had survived the fall. Somehow.

Back to the present.

Temporarily stunned by Kevin's escape, Morgan forgot to press the elevator button. But as it turned out, two people were in it, headed for their floor. The elevator 'ding'ed open, revealing Will, Henry in his arms, and Elle… a very pregnant Elle.

"Hey." Morgan greeted.

The two in the elevator smiled back, exiting so to give room to Garcia and Morgan.

"Off to jail, huh?" Will inquired. Morgan nodded, the doors closing between them. Morgan and Garcia were never heard from again.

Elle and Will casually walked into the bullpen, looking around for a specific person. JJ and Emily, left behind from the jail trip, spotted them.

"Elle! Will! Elle! Oh my God! What are you doing here, Elle?" JJ cried, running to her former teammate.

"I love you too, mother of my baby," Will muttered sourly, poking Henry's tummy.

He was promptly ignored.

Elle wobbled, her pregnant-ness making her unstable. She seemed at least 7 months through it. "I'm looking for the bastard who put this in me," she growled, pointing to her uterus.

Emily and Will, realizing they were promptly being ignored, sat and watched.

"Who's the father? Someone here? Hotch? Reid? Morgan? Was it Gideon?"

"IT WAS HIM!" Elle shrieked, pointing to the railing over the bullpen where Hotch was crouching.

"It was HOTCH?!" JJ cried.

"No!" Elle corrected. "_Him_!" she pointed an accusing finger at… "David Rossi!"

"Wait waitwaitwoah woah woahwaitwoah!" JJ stopped her. "You don't even know him!"

"That's what you think," Elle retorted.

Meanwhile, Rossi, who was in a grey and brown superhero costume and goggles that made him look like an owl, was looking uneasily at the women. He was inching closer to Hotch.

"C'mon RorchHotch," he whispered into Hotch's covered ear. "There are criminals to catch."

Hotch nodded and they both promptly dove out the window. Elle, seeing that she missed her baby daddy, dove out after them. A later news story involving Hotch, Rossi, Elle, mass finger breakage, a comedy club, and hairspray told the remaining team that they had survived the fall. Somehow.

Back in the present, Reid had managed, after three typed pages of badfic, to roll onto his cockroach side, falling onto a bar of soap. A later news story involving Reid getting surviving the bar of soap told the remaining team that Reid had survived. Somehow. No further developments concerning Reid ever reached cable.

Once more in the present, it seemed like everyone but Will, Henry, JJ, and Emily had left the bullpen, even the extras.

"So Will, what brings you here, now?" JJ asked.

"I don't want him anymore," Will said, shoving the sleeping Henry at JJ.

"Will!" the blonde woman snapped. "Why not?"

"I have reason to believe he is, indeed, the anti-Christ," Will told her. Afterwards, he rushed to the elevator and left.

"I don't like you anyways!" JJ called after him.

Henry began to whimper in her arms. "Oh, Henry, I'm sorry. Did mommy wake you?" He looked up at JJ with his big sparkling eyes. "Oh," JJ cooed. "You're not the anti-Christ, are you?"

"Actually," Henry interrupted, "…yep, I'm the anti-Christ."

JJ jumped, nearly dropping her baby. "But… how? Why? How can a baby be the anti-Christ?"

"How do I know? _You_ birthed me!"

JJ shrugged. He had a good point. He probably got it from Will's side of the family.

"Anyways, I have some upsetting news to reveal," revealed Henry.

"What?" gasped JJ. Emily looked attentive, her interest piqued.

"Emily's your evil twin."

"What?" the two women said in unison.

"I _told_ you it was upsetting!" Henry 'tsk'ed. He jumped out of his mother's arms. "Goodbye, mommy!" he said as he dove out the window. A later news story involving Henry, a demon, a virgin sacrifice, a comedy club, superheroes, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin, and mass finger breakage told JJ and Emily that Henry had survived the fall. Because he was the anti-Christ.

Back in the bullpen, Emily and JJ were silent. They looked at each other, trying to find some similarity between them.

"Maybe we're fraternal twins," Emily suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds reasonable enough," JJ agreed.

"So, does that mean I want to kill you and steal your life?" Prentiss asked.

"I guess so…"

Both women slowly rose to their feet, eyes locked. JJ made the first move, heading for the window, but Prentiss blocked her way. JJ fled to the elevator to get a head start on her evil twin. Prentiss shot off towards the stairs, using her spuerfasteviltwin speed to intercept JJ.

The bullpen was completely empty. Well, except for Strauss.

"I must be going crazy!" she wailed. She then dove out the window. A later news story involving Strauss' death told the world that she did not, in fact, survive the fall. Somehow.

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**Do you see why I apologized? I cannot believe I actually wrote that. Well, I think it's funny. Sorta. Not really.**

**Anyways, I'm not sure why I only called Prentiss 'Emily' until the end. I'm making the excuse that 'Prentiss' is the evil twin name. There.**

**Review, perhaps?**


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